If one more thing goes wrong, I'm going to kill myself.

I felt a spicy tingle as her lips brushed my ear. Her hands slid around my chest, teasing me. I felt her warm breath on my neck as she whispered her seduction to me. I felt a forbidden thrill as I glimpsed eternity. I wanted it. Her tongue slid across my neck, and I shivered in horrible anticipation. I felt the pressure of her two sharp teeth as hard points pushing on my throat. Once again her tongue flicked out, and I sucked in my breath. I knew what she wanted. I closed my eyes. It was up to me.

“Please. . . .” her voice was erotic.

I nodded my head. She bit down.

It was the most exquisitely excruciating pain I had ever felt. I loved it, and at the same time, was mindlessly terrified by it. My veins burned as she drew my life into her. Her fingers dug into my chest, and I loved it. My head started swimming and I realized that I couldn’t stand on my own. Her drinking became more powerful and steady as she slowly, tenderly drew me to her. I felt myself slide down and I knew that she was sitting and cradling me, like an infant.

Suddenly, I felt like a deflated balloon. She laid me down on my back, kneeling over me. I could see a drop of my life gather on her red lips and fall onto my chin. I didn’t have the energy to wipe it off. I was dying.

As I watched with dying eyes, she drew her fingernail across her wrist and held it above my mouth. Death or life. It was still up to me. I looked up into her eyes. They were pleading. And suddenly I realized how lonely she was. There was the unspeakable pain of centuries of isolation, and the savage hope that I would be with her. Her lips moved, “Please.”

“Yes.”

She flexed and a drop of her blood fell onto my tongue. It was heavy. I remembered wondering if my blood would be as heavy. And it was sweet. Sweet like love. I wanted more. I looked into her eyes. To my wonderment, there were crystalline tears running down her cheeks. I’ve never made anyone so happy. She put her wrist to my mouth and I drew her in. As her essence flowed into, my vision began to throb.

I opened my eyes. Was it day or night? I couldn’t tell. My skin was tingling. My muscles were twitching. But it didn’t hurt. I waited a few more minutes, until it went away. Everything was still. I took a deep breath, and somehow, it felt gratuitous. Suddenly, I understood that it was dark in the room, almost pitch black, but I could see perfectly. I was laying on a couch, in what appeared to be an average living room. I felt soft fingers tenderly brush my arm, and a form knelt beside me.

“Are you ok? I was worried that you wouldn’t wake up.” Her voice was like a gentle breeze.
I smiled. It felt so thrilling to have someone actually care. She leaned forward and kissed my cheek.

“My stomach. . .it feels sick,” I whispered. I felt reluctant to break the spell of silence. I turned my head to see her. The moon broke from behind the clouds, and its cold blue light glowed around her silhouette.

“Don’t worry about that. It’s normal. And I’m right here. We’ll get through this.” She reached down and squeezed my hand. I squeezed back. “Do you feel good enough to sit up?”

I nodded. With a grunt, I pushed myself up to a sitting position. I felt the cushion shift as she sat down beside me.

“Take it easy, you need to go slow.”

I rubbed my temples. It wasn’t going to be easy to get used to this. I wiped my sweaty palms on my bare legs. I paused. I looked down.

She giggled. I felt my cheeks burn and I belatedly covered myself. I swallowed and my head started to reel and I felt my stomach clenching and convulsing. I tumbled off the couch to my knees and began to heave violently. Some cold, extremely bitter bile came up, but I kept dry heaving. I saw stars explode before my eyes and my stomach kept convulsing. I coughed, my fingers digging into the carpet, as the clenching tore my insides. I spit again. My throat spasmed once and I kept my vision focused on the delicate weave of the rug, trying to find some stability. I realized that she was kneeling next to me, her soft fingers tracing my back.

Then, another realization struck me. One that threatened to tear my stomach again. One that terrified me.

I was hungry.

No matter how much I miss her, no matter how much I love her, no matter how much I want it, my miracle never comes. It's like she's completely erased me from her life. And that hurts like hell. Like I said:

"Bottom line? I'm better off with her, and she's better off without me."

Here's hoping 2005 is better.