You'd think that after the entry I just posted that I would have a great weekend. *sigh* Nope. For some reason, Sunday was a really bad day. Well, not "some reason." I know why it was bad. Sunday was a combination of things. First off, I was cold all day. Second off, sometimes I have moments of weakness. No matter how hard I try to push it away, sometimes I miss her. It happens. But that's not even the worst part. While at work, my coworkers began talking about a girl who used to work at Blockbuster. Apparently, her Dad died recently.

They kept remarking that he'd been really sick for a long time, and he was so young. I felt my stomach seize up. He died of cancer; it wrapped around his spine. They just kept talking about, and every word hurt more. I don't know why I can't get over anything. It's like I just won't let go, I'm too stubborn to accept anything. There's no reason that I should get this upset about Dad, after three years. There must be something wrong with me.

Yesterday wasn't that much better. I had a panic attack. I hate them. I hate them so much. It was sort of at work. If you know me well enough, there are tell tale signs when I'm plummetting. And for some reason, the knowledge that I'm going to panic, just triggers an even more intense attack. I don't know why, but certain mental triggers just. . .make it worse. I fought it for a few hours at work, but I nearly lost it on the way home. All night, it was a huge force of will to hold it. After I passed out for a while, I was ok. But I had the terrifying knowledge that I was close to that chasm. I hate it. Few things make me feel as alone as that.

But, today is a new day. Each day that I can wake up is a chance for a new smile. Just keep your head up, Narzack.