I was at work last night, just doing my job, as is my wont. When I'm at Blockbuster, I don't really have much to think about, I'm just completely surrounded my movies that we watched together. So all I really have to do is just dwell on my life. I thought about the very earliest days of our relationship.

One day, a combination of a conversation with a friend and an acute fear of letting someone know me again caused me to almost break up with Nikki. I remember that day so well. We sat in my living room for a long time talking. And I remember the moment that I realized that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to be with her. Despite my fear, I wanted to know her, I wanted to trust her, I wanted her in my life. And I remember the moment that I told her that. The image of the look on her face is something I can never forget. I remember that look of hope and fear, excitement and relief, and a broken heart put back together. If I close my eyes I can still see her face. It was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. Her eyes widened slightly, her mouth opened a little, the corners almost smiling. Her lips trembled for a moment and then she threw her arms around me, shaking. I felt so good at that moment. I want a moment like that.

A while ago I was briefly seeing a girl I met through a mutual friend. We had a brief fling, until the day that I realized that I belonged with Nikki. I remember that sudden shock, like hitting a brick wall. That was a wild day, too. I bought the nicest rose I could find and hitched a ride to her campus. *sigh* I waited for her for a long time. For a while, I almost threw my rose away and gave up. I had my hand hovering over the trash can, trying to let the rose fall. But I couldn't. I held on to my crazy belief that we were meant to be. So I held on. And I eventually saw her that night and threw my pride to the wind. I dropped to my knees and let her know. My heart was pounding so hard, that my vision was throbbing, my hands were shaking and damp.

I went home happy that night.

Now, well. I don't know. I only have questions now. What did all that mean? Why can't life be like a movie? Where is my miracle? Where is my rescue?

I guess the only thing I can do is just take a deep breath and keep going.